The other day a “memory” from this time last year popped up on instagram. It was a story I posted to the day about a walk in Central Park with Eleanor. It made me want to cry.

JD had gotten her into the routine of daily walks in the park while he was on his leave and I tried my best to keep up that tradition when he went back and did until I got too pregnant to manage the stroller on the stairs.

The city had stopped making sense for us. A fifth floor walkup with a toddler was not working. I could never get us out to enjoy the advantages of living there and rents for the space we needed tripled. Once I stopped being able to do the stroller on the stairs it was over.

But I miss our life there.

JD reminds me “you hated that apartment”, which is true. We had moved in in June 2019. There had been a miscommunication about our move in date so a lot was left undone in the apartment. It badly needed paint as the previous tenant’s furniture had scuffed every wall. Things were broken. The walls were crumbling where they met two of the windows in the living room. The building had come to take a look and decided they needed to find the leak before our landlord would do repairs. No one came after that to look or repair so they continued to crumble until the day we moved out. We had a long list of things noted that we had sent to the landlord so we would be able to get our deposit back when we would move out.

In the beginning the space worked well for us. We got set up pretty quickly with our old things and slowly decorated and added more furniture. Having the rooftop terrace was great for Finn. We had a long stretch for him to run after the ball and a custom potty JD built for him so he’d always have a comfortable place to go.

During the pandemic we spent a lot of time out there on the terrace. We say it was the only reason we were able to stay through it. Our old apartment would have been cramped and impossible but having this slice of outdoor space felt safe in a time of great uncertainty.

Then Eleanor was born. We set up the little nook by the window in our room as her nursery and wondered how long we would be able to make it work. Once she began walking we moved all of the living room furniture around to try to contain her in the open concept space. Then again when that became impossible and visibility became more important. I think back to the three stages of that living room as such defined places in time. I want to scream longing for the days of the couch in the middle of the room, last summer, when the photo in the park was taken.

I once read, or maybe watched, somewhere that the ghosts haunting a place can still be living people who go there in their dreams. I haven’t dreamt of the apartment yet, but wouldn’t be surprised if I haunt it for a bit.

There were so many hard moments living in that apartment, but so many wonderful ones too. It is the place where we started our family. It was home.

Sometimes I don’t do well with change.

When we moved out of our first apartment I cried and hugged Beverly our landlady and promised I’d come back to read her cookbooks with her — something we had never done while I actually lived there. We moved two blocks away to our new apartment so I already knew the neighborhood. When we moved in things didn’t feel too unsettled. We got Finn and a dog walker to keep him company and I took the train home from work to have lunch with him every other day that summer.

I am having a harder time than I thought I would adjusting to life in the suburbs. I am unfamiliar with the area we moved to and have not had the time to learn it, which makes getting out with the girls more challenging. Then, while our house was move in ready there are things we wanted to do before fully unpacking. We haven’t put the rugs down yet lending the space an unfinished air.

The fourth trimester is not a time I would recommend for a move. There are too many feelings when all you want is to recover with your baby in a cozy place.

I know we will look back on these days of mismatched chairs at the bistro table in the breakfast nook with our bed on the floor upstairs and love them immensely. These are special times we are living in and I know it.

But right now in this moment, I am mourning our apartment and the city and that feeling of excitement that fills your entire body upon waking up to it in the early hours on a summer day.