Some days I worry that I’m not taking enough pictures. How will I remember everything if I’m not writing it down or taking a photo?

Time is captured in the three phases of our apartment living room. Our first year with Eleanor. The couch started against the wall.

I remember a day soon after my maternity leave ended with her. I was sitting on the floor with her on the mat in front of me doing tummy time while I was on the weekly Pinterest call. I used to set up these three little toys that came in an orange boat. They rattled and made crinkle noises and I’d move them around and make them talk to each other for her and she would lay there and watch. I think JD was upstairs, working from home that day. The couch is against the wall with a clear view to the kitchen. Everything is new. We are finally getting into a routine after a rough first twelve weeks. It is such a simple moment but calling it back brings me to tears.

I’m sitting on the floor with my baby now in a room with a new couch. I cannot find the three toys with the little orange boat. It’s in a box somewhere that hasn’t been unpacked. She’s just rolled over onto her back and is looking at me squealing. I want to remember this moment but I don’t know if I will.

This is the last Friday of my maternity leave. I am lucky enough to work from home so I get to be with them all day every day, but there is something about this milestone that breaks my heart. It is the end of the early baby days. I’ll wake up tomorrow and she’ll have turned one.

She just picked up her daisy toy and shoved it in her mouth. Are they supposed to be able to do that at 19 weeks?

Right now I want the mess in the background of photos. I want to remember every last detail. But I’m also excited for what is to come.